


Acousticophobia

by JustARandomMiracle



Series: FEAR [1]
Category: The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Child Neglect, Facing Your Fears, Fear, Flashbacks, Gen, Mental Instability, Music, Phobias, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Singing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-03 13:31:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8715814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustARandomMiracle/pseuds/JustARandomMiracle
Summary: I hate the noise. It's disrupting and it destroys my sense of calm.It's not that I'm against sound itself, no...it's just there's a big difference between noise and music.





	

 

> **Lilith's POV**

"Alright, everyone, please settle down," Fury's voice projected in the meeting room. I'm Lilith Dmitri, one of the Avengers, specifically one named the Ever-Changing Crayon. I have control over colors that connect to auras, life forces and even alternate universes. Being one of the Avengers is a pretty sweet thing: working with SHIELD agents (not all of them are  _total ass-hats_ ), hanging out in between missions or when there aren't any, doing some pretty strange things with some pretty strange people (sometimes I can't even use that term) in some pretty strange places.

My friends are like family. We've gone through some deep things together, and their presence around me is natural: for example Thor's star-like silver energy bursting with radiance or Loki's soft, muted but expressive and dominant bluish-green hues. It was true to our forms to have secrets, memories, emotions, opinions, preferences, habits... _fears?_

The first time I found any of the Avengers near a semblance of fear, it was when Bruce was freaking out in the cage Loki was once kept in. I had turned it into a 'calming chamber' of sorts for him when his alter-ego decided to have a little fun completely messing with Bruce. I was reading a chapter of  _Jekyll and Hyde,_ though I couldn't remember the specifics. I was passing by it, walking randomly around the Tower when I heard his hoarse screams of pain and desperation from the cage's area. I had abandoned the page and rushed in a blur of color, camouflaged against the walls.

I found Bruce rolled up in a little ball at the far end of the cage, head in his hands, looking extremely broken. He was trembling, and his skin was quickly turning from peach to green. Most of him was colored a light green, and I watched with shock as the green seeped up to his neck, seemingly trying to choke him as he suddenly took sharp breaths as if drowning in the emerald horrors. My mind finally yelling at my body to  _Move, damn it!,_ I absorbed the glass's color and phased right through is. I quickly ran to Bruce, enveloped him in a calming pastel green, and tilted up his tear-stroked face.

What I saw would forever make me hate green a little bit more.

One eye was chocolate brown and the other was a sickening vibrant green. He had been crying so, so much his tears were almost _blood_. He looked utterly shocked, and his screams never stopped. I was doing anything I could to calm him to some extent, but nothing worked as I, myself, soaked my book with blood and tears as the first punch landed on my face. Another, and another, and another, they were like every shade I had ever encountered corrupting and darkening my colorful soul. I couldn't focus on the sweet melodies of the hues around me calling for help from the spirits of the classical arts masters as I slumped to the ground, Bruce's monstrous yells continuing to echo and buzz in my ears uncontrollably as my eyes closed, green fading to black.

Honestly, I would've preferred even the inkiest, void-like black to that color  ** _ever again_**.

When I awoke, it was Bruce and the others' turn to look worried. I insisted I was fine, but as soon as I tried to rise, it was like all the colors just fled. Nat carried me in her arms and when I finally had access to a goddamn mirror, I saw I had reverted to a monochromatic state: me at my weakest. I should have regenerated quickly (well, not that quick since I took a fucking **beat-down** from the Hulk) but something was stopping me. The others, when questioned, couldn't say anything to this, but the only noticeable thing Thor saw-or should I say heard (I eavesdropped on his report) -was a chorus that sounded like 'the screams of those suffering in Nilfheim' and when he came in and saw, it was his turn to yell for help.

 _Tsk, tsk,_ I thought warily,  _you shouldn't have done that._

See, I know myself better than anyone else can ever. No one can ever truly know what's in me, and well... I already knew what it was. The Hulk's screams were giving me panic attacks, overpowering the colorful life forces desperately clawing and trying to reach me. I knew it was that when I heard screams coming out from the SHIELD agents below me and I saw everything in that horrible shade of green. Someone was shaking me and as my vision fluctuated,the hands was (coincidentally) Bruce's. It was my turn to kick and flail wildly like I was possessed, making my weak shady color state drain back into monochrome. I saw black one more time.

"Lilith? Lilith!" Fury's voice went into my ears as I sat up straight. He and the Avengers were staring at me and I soon found out why.

**_Oh hell no. Oh hell no, not now. Please, not now!_ **

And I quickly camouflaged myself, leaving everyone worried.

 

* * *

 

I heard everyone talking down in the meeting room about the thing between me and Bruce dubbed the 'Emerald Controversy' by the SHIELD agents, sounding  _very_ worried about me. Bruce looked so, so guilty I couldn't even describe it properly with grammar and words. I felt as if I were Leonardo da Vinci and I just messed up the  _Mona Lisa_ or maybe  _Madonna of the Rocks._ Ergo, I felt horrible. They honestly didn't seem to realize I was present in the room, sitting right on the floor beside where Loki's scepter leaned against the wall. I focused in on the cold waves coming off of the blue gem resting in the middle.

I had tried to explain this sort of thing to them, but they've never seemed to grasp the concept. I knew which phobia it was: the fear of noise, or acousticophobia. I was sure that was it; I couldn't hear the auras' calls anymore. They were like fading will-'o-the-wisps in my mind, blocked out by the screams of that green. I hate the noise. It's disrupting and it destroys my sense of calm. It's not that I'm against sound itself, no... it's just there's a big difference between noise and music.

I had discovered my love of music when I started using headphones to try and block out the screams. Needless to say, it was useless without music and when I plugged in my iPod, I was immediately hooked. I worked to improve my singing, learn the proper basics and more of music and much more of that. I started singing out more of my answers to questions and also my feelings. Music made me a lot more expressive, and that's how I discovered I had developed two extra genetic abnormalities because of it: the ability to see more colors (tetrachromacy) and sensing cross-sensory phenomena (synesthesia). 

In this case, I could hear colors and see sounds.

You didn't think that _wouldn't_ involve music, did you?

Anyway, I finally got sick of the discussion and slithered out of the room, loudly dropping Loki's scepter with a resounding  _clang_ of gold echoing in my ears and around the room. Walking, I found my feet guiding me through the Tower's numerous twisting metal and glass-lined hallways to the door of my room. Caressing the multicolored jewel embedded where the peephole should've been, I entered the room and swiftly grabbed my slightly smaller than normal harp. Closing the door, I approached the metal-railed balcony and swung both my legs over, sitting on the durable but delicate eggshell-looking railings. 

Taking in a deep breath, I sighed.  _Sonic mental trauma therapy,_ as Tony's various (and **clearly desperate** ) associates and assistants have formally named it. I would personally like for everyone to call it  _musical synesthetic healing,_ 'cause 1) it's my treatment, 2) no one is getting it but me and 3) I made it up, dummies! Anyway, it wasn't like any kind of normal therapy. No schedule or special procedure, no special equipment needed, just me, my chosen instrument and sitting over this balcony, 99 stories from the concrete ground.

Yup. It's a _**perfectly normal**_ therapy session!

I had already chosen a song to sing, as straight after watching (for the umpteenth time, I have no idea anymore) the Hunger Games movie marathon Tony had loaded me in perfect immersive mode. It made it seem as if I were sitting beside Katniss during the chariot ride where she earned the 'Girl on Fire' nickname, characteristically apt for that. I had also heard all of the soundtrack, the most memorable being _The Hanging Tree_ and the one I chose, _Safe and Sound_ by Taylor Swift + the Civil Wars. It gave me a beautiful feeling and ever since learning the harp, I wanted to play a song. When I found a harp version of this tear-jerking song, I was thrilled. I practiced so damn much I couldn't even count the hours. 

And I always do that.

I started to play the lightly colored cords, plucking it at different strengths as the music flew through the air. It was a dark night and strangely, I never saw any kind of insanely bright and normal electric lights. Every note transformed into a match-head sized ball of colored light as each one swirled gently and flew in the breeze like tiny fireflies into the night. Normally, when I focused on the music, I lost sense of everyone, everything and everywhere around me.

So why did I hear the  _click-pshhh_  of my door opening and closing and fourteen footsteps enter?

 

 _I remember tears streaming down your face_  
_When I said, "I'll never let you go."_  
_When all those shadows almost killed your light_  
_I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone,"_  
_But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight_  
  
_Just close your eyes, the sun is going down_  
_You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now_  
_Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound_

 

I could also vaguely feel people crowding around me on the balcony, but I needed no stability. This was actually the first time I've done this with actual company. I heard a gasp of marvel from Thor and I didn't... actually know what that was. As I hummed along to that song, I continued singing, my melodic and cheerful voice giving levity to the haunting ballad.

 

 _Don't you dare look out your window, darling_  
_Everything's on fire_  
_The war outside our door keeps raging on_  
_Hold onto this lullaby, even when the music's gone_  
_Gone..._  
  
_Just close your eyes, the sun is going down_  
_You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now_  
_Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound_

 _Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh_  
_La, la (la, la)_  
_La, la (la, la)_  
_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh_  
_La, la (la, la)_ _aah_  

 

_Just close your eyes_  
_You'll be alright_  
_Come morning light,_  
_You and I'll be safe and sound..._

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh._

I opened my eyes and was immediately greeted with a booming laugh. Suddenly leaping up onto the balcony, I saw the Avengers, seven fully grown adults who have gone through some deep things and have been depressed more than once in their lives, now absolutely jovial in nature, admiring the balls of light. I heard green, gold, maroon and silver, which could only mean two things: the pair of brothers, Thor speaking first.

"Lilith... I... the last time I have seen lights comparing to this was when my dear mother died. A beautiful but heartbreaking sight..."

"But alas, my sweet, this is a phenomena the stars would absolutely envy to catch a glimpse of, my dear."

More lights encircled me like protons and electrons flying around an atom's nucleus: red, black, blue, white, and purple with some more gold and green. Falling to the floor gracefully, I saw the Avengers' smiles as they toyed with the balls of light my harp, which now lay in its original position with the other instruments of mine, had summoned. Natasha spoke first in Russian, then Tony, Steve and Clint.

" _Eto bylo absolyutno sovershennym, glubochayshiye ... spasibo tak mnogo._ "

"Whoa, you could be a star! That was awesome! Plus, your voice... are you sure you're not a siren?"

"You're a talented young woman, and I'm proud of you."

"Whoooooo Liiiiiilith!!! Noice, gurl!"

I laughed at that one, because that is so very Clint I can't even describe it with proper grammar. Looking out, I was shocked to see a jeweled rainbow in the sky, shining like a beautiful galaxy. Noise -specifically screams of joy and awe from the people- was echoing. Bruce was... well, Bruce was Bruce: yelling in joy behind me, and I... I didn't feel anything. I laughed out loud. I actually squealed at the top of my lungs and laughed, me and Bruce cracking up above New York as the other six looked on in weird emotions.

**"We're YELLING!"**  
**"Yeah! We TOTALLY ARE!"**  
**"And you're NOT freaking out!"**

**"YEAH!"**

Bruce pulled me in a hug as I sobbed tears of joy. "T-thanks... Bruce. Thank all of you," I said to the other six, who I barreled at with open arms. The hug was happy, filled with joy and relief at the fact everyone and I knew I had gotten over my acousticophobia. I felt myself opening up as the lively voices started talking loudly once again. My hues intensified to the point where I went into chrome mode: the mode where I was at the most intense my colors could be. Everyone was whispering instead of celebrating now, loosening the hug and leading me back to the main room for a 'celebratory' party; one of Tony's signature talents.

It was the first time in ages that me and Bruce, the man who had brought me into the Avengers, had connected this deeply. The first time was when I was able to calm the Hulk when Natasha couldn't. I could relate to his crisis of multiple identities, knowing that I myself had an alter-ego of sorts. He and I became best friends over the days and grew up in mental, physical and emotional strength together. We've also had a lot of silly, weird, crazy and random memories such as the one time a spell I've done went wrong and Bruce turned bright cherry red for some amount of time. In layman's terms, the Red-Hulk was not happy.

But, I digress.

As I heard him laugh loudly, I smiled. He-and I-would be alright.

 

* * *

 

"A-are you going to be alright?" His aura perked up at this, green with swirls of dark purple booming.

"Yes," I answered, "I'll be alright. Everyone knows the fear is done for."

"I'm proud of you." He put an arm over my shoulder. We were still in the main room after the party died down. The others and Tony had decided to-and I quote in Tony's words- _"give the two some 'alone time."_ , something they thought we desperately needed. The proper therapy sesh we never got: just freely talking about your feelings out on the glass balcony with glasses of wine in hand. The sky had a beautiful outline of the star systems, glowing a faint mint green which Bruce favored. I knew because back then, he created for the research on aliens and such an immersive VR star map. When he found out stars hd different colors depending on their state, I myself have partaken in the research and made a beautiful emerald starling.

"I'm proud of you," I said, returning the compliment. "You-you've gone through some deep shit, and I'm in no position to tell you how much you actually felt. I wish I could've just taken i-"

"No," he said, his grip tightening a little. "Don't wish to take the pain I have. All these years, I've suffered from paranoia that I could one day just _snap!_ and hurt those innocent people, those people I love. But you came in, and that changed. I could see now-it was crystal clear-that you were experiencing pain as well. Even though we were different, we were hurting. And, as our friendship grew, I... I could feel myself growing too. I grew brighter, more cheerful and not so quick to anger anymore. I could control the Hulk more. And even he seemed happy. Life seemed more vibrant with your presence, like a part of me would be destroyed if you weren't there. You, when you came in, you changed my life." He was smiling by the end of it.

"Thank you," I said.

"No, thank you," he said. "But there's one thing I can't seem to figure out-how'd the music work?"

I laughed and swirled my free hand in the air, dark green dust following, which made an eyebrow quirk. "Bruce, I remember the music playing to calm you down in your cage of sorts. You looked so happy, listening to classics such as Mozart's, Beethoven's and many others. I was playing them, and it was nearly _euphoric_ to hear such things. The music's messages were strong, and they would bring tears to your eyes if you could understand them. When I saw you cry with tears of relief, tears stroked my face too: these of joy. Bruce, through everything, our anthem stands strong. The song of our lives is one melody whose message we have to follow."

He looked up as I lowered my hand and gasped. Traced in perfect green starlight was the key to overcoming my fear in perfect view.

 

 

>   _ **Because in the silence, when noise wouldn't say a thing, music speaks.** _

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Natasha's Russian: "That was absolutely perfect, heartstrings... thank you so much."


End file.
